Smilania

What we call the beginning is often the end

And to make an end is to make a beginning

The end is where we start from.



We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.



T. S. Elliot
30.9.05 11:46


Dear Diary:

Back in Germany

I try calling him one last time before boarding but it is just his answering machine. We are stuck for over an hour at the JFK airport sitting in the airplane. So I miss my flight to Germany in Washington.
Oh well… nothing I can do. At least they put me on standby for the next flight. I talked to chocolate thunder on the phone. He told me that he was balling after I left. He had called his brother but could not even talk. He says he already misses me so much and does not know what to do without me.

I meet a magican/hypnotist at hanging out at the airport. We listen to music together. This Washington airport… I am always late when I travel there but I always meet the most interesting people. I was lucky to get on the flight. The whole time until arrival I was very relaxed.

Everything was gray when I arrived in Germany. Perfectly adjusted to my mood. I have tears in my eyes when I leave the airplane. I have to wait 5 more hours at the airport, so I listen to sad music and think about my baby.

Love,
Christianerella

The End.
29.9.05 10:25


Dear Diary:

Game over

Even the next morning we were very calm. We got up, took a shower and packed what was left. I said goodbye to my friends when we were waiting for the supershuttle.
I even felt some positive energy because it is good to leave something behind and start something new.

Sitting next to my chocolate thunder in the supershuttle felt so, so, so good….so comfortable. Arriving at the airport we first checked in my lagguage. I had to do some repacking because one suitcase was overweight. So my rollerblades had to stay with him… lucky ones. Then we go and have subway for lunch.
We stay together until the last minute when I finally have to go through security.

I wave to him until I can not see him anymore.

Love,
Christianerella
28.9.05 10:23


Dear Diary:

A night like any other

I was packing half of my last day in the city and surprisingly I got most of the stuff in my suitcases.
Once I finished I went to the hospital. It felt weird sitting in the bus like so many times before but knowing this will be the last time.
I had coffee with my Danish soulmate at Central Park one more time. She gave me a butterfly cookie and the most beautiful letter. Also she had some pictures for me that we took throughout the year. Then I wanted to say goodbye to the big boss but missed him and so I just left a bottle of wine and a goodbye letter on his desk.

All the girls from work and I went to a very cool tapas restaurant. Not only was the food delicious but the place was very New York. During the day they sell chandeliers, so at night when it turns into a restaurant all the chandeliers are lit... beautiful. Everyone was dying to meet chocolate thunder but he had to make up at work as he took of all day wednesday to take me to the airport. I cried when I had to say goodbye to my boss. They had gotten me the most beautiful earings ever as a goodbye present.

Then I walked to Union Square to meet chocolate thunder. It was just like every other night. We went to a nice Indian restaurant we knew. Hidden in one of the booths we had a very nice dinner converstion. I was very relaxed probably from the red wine with the girls.
Then we went to his work to copy some music on my PC. We borrow Shawshank Redemption and drive to MTV at Times Square to watch the movie. It was the perfect last night because the view all over Midtown is just so beautiful. The movie truly is special but I was too tired to truly enjoy it. We took a cab home and went right to bed…it was a night like any other.. I totally loved that.

Kiss,
Christianerella
28.9.05 10:21


Dear Diary:

Distance

First he screamed at me. Kicked my boxes. Then he stopped talking to me at all. He made me feel like the the worst girlfriend on earth but I realised something: What if someone questioned me every day like I did with him? I would get so frustrated. It is true I made him a szene every single day. I never saw his side of the picture how terrible I made him feel because I did not trust him.

So I returned the fridge on my own with eyes so red from crying. My Portuguese friend said that we will be fine.

That night we just went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, my eyes hurting from all the crying and for the first time I felt distance between us. I looked at him and something was so different. I went back to sleep and the next morning this feeling was gone.

We were ok in the morning and kept calling each other all day to say how much we love each other.

Love,
Christianerella
27.9.05 10:17


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